Today, I have just felt alow-grade-something-goin'-on.
I thought it was just because for once I dressed up for my passport photo and this one I disliked.
I thought it was just because I realised at FedEx that they probably don't deliver to post office boxes.
Nope. They don't, I was told.
Then I thought it was perhaps because I arrived at the post office right when they were closing - I lipread that they started closing early six weeks ago.
But I think I may know why - I think it is because today is Thursday. And Thursdays are when I used to visit my friend - who I learned her real name was Annie. Not the one that started with an F that is on all of her official documents.
I blew up at two people today - like really blew up f-words and all. A phone operator and my beloved husband.
At the time, I just didn't know what came over me - I was so angry. But reflecting and thinking - after both times, I heard a small voice say, "Today is Thursday." And I began to make the connection that I may be grieving in a different stage than I was a month ago when I first learned or even two weeks ago when I went to her apartment to say goodbye.
To experience the wrought-iron gate not letting me in. To sit at our usual cafe - interestingly enough, her bread-pudding was absent. It had always been there, and she always would take it with glee in her eyes, pushing up those big, pointy, boisterous cheeks.
I miss her contradictions and our mutual understanding. I miss being able to vent to her, and she would just smile with her 8o-something year-old eyes with a twinkle and nod, "Yep. That's our world. Oh yeah."
Annie, I want you to know that you had a friend here besides your 'Sista'. I know you know that. I also hope you are laid at the foot of your mother's grave like you so wanted to be. I so hope people listened to you for once rather than do their own thing, as you also shared with me.
I think I missed you today.